So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
