i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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