There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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