Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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