I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
