Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
