I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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