The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
