so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
