Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
