Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
