the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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