miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
