It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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