I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
