how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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