oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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