my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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