fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I FOUND THE LEGS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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