Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
