New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
