nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
