Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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