i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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