Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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