the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
they're like a gay fantastic four
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
