you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
