Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
