So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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