My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
