Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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