it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
