So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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