If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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