so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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