just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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