I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
