Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
