Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
