everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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