dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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