He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
