I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
