just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
