I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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