All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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