god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
