I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
