you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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