I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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