If that was your dad, he is hot
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
